Monday, June 2, 2008

3-yr anniversary

I guess it's about time I update this thing... I've put it on hold with the feelings I've been trying to suppress, but not surprisingly the anxiety is still there. It comes and goes, and with softball season in full swing it definitely has a hard time of finding its way into my brain sometimes, but today is a notable day that didn’t pass without reflection.

Three years ago today Joshua was diagnosed with cancer. I remember spending my Memorial Day three years ago curled up in a ball on the couch with Joshua, worried about the future as we waited for that fated oncology appointment. This Memorial Day passed without a mere thought of that anguish and now we anticipate his last chemo-day in just a few short months.

There were still blasts in Josh’s last spinal tap, but again, not enough to label it a relapse. So with his impending OT (off-treatment) date imminent, I suppose it is natural to feel apprehensive knowing my security blanket, fittingly-named Chemo, is being ripped out from under us. What will keep those lingering blasts at bay? Hopefully a lot of hope, faith and prayer!

Don’t get me wrong, I look forward to the day Josh can go to bed without asking how many pills he has to take. Jon looks forward to taking his first-born son to the lake to fish without fear of bacteria in the water. The girls look forward to owning a hamster or gerbil or (insert forbidden pet here) or bringing in a potted plant they made at school for mother’s day. Nathan looks forward to a brother who has enough energy to keep up with him (if there is such a person ). And we all look forward to being a healthy normal family and not having to plan our lives around Josh’s ANC, medication schedule or next doctor’s visit. It’s the fear of the unknown I guess. There are pages upon pages of quotes floating around on the web regarding fear and the unexpected; it’s nothing anyone else hasn’t had to face before. I suppose it helps to express every now and then, and it has been awhile for me.

Appropriately, Josh’s last treatment is at the end of July, and the following month, when he celebrates his 6th birthday, he will also celebrate being Chemo-free! As a friend of ours put it, “Goodbye Chemo, Hello Life!”

PS – Don’t you just love the new frog background? Joshua says that Grandma [Joan] will smile when she sees it from heaven.